‘I’m exhausted – but mum needs me’: Nottingham paramedic reveals struggle of juggling career with caring

Having spent decades working his way into a senior position, the 59-year-old doesn’t want to retire yet. But since his mum Pam’s health deteriorated, he’s been left facing an impossible decision.

“Mum cared for me, and it is my turn to pay her back – but I am exhausted,” said Alan, from Nottingham.

“I work 12-hour shifts, and my sister cares for her, but because of the guilt I have and the toll it takes on my sister, every day off is spent looking after mum.

“People encourage me to focus on my work/life balance – but there just isn’t one, and I just feel something has to give.”

And his story is far from unique.

Alan is one of around four million carents – adults who care for elderly parents or relatives.

Ahead of Carers Week, a new survey by the national organisation Carents has revealed that potentially millions of working-age Brits are feeling forced to derail their careers to care for frail parents.

Additionally, 70 per cent have altered their job – either retiring early or amending their hours – due to their caring duties.

Around 400,000 UK adults leave the workplace early each year to care, and it is something Alan is seriously considering after his mum’s heartbreaking deterioration.

“After my father died, mum has lived independently for around 20 years, but we started noticing routine things were becoming a challenge. She was forgetting names and it came to a head when we were sat in John Lewis, and she said: ‘I can’t tell the time’.

“Unbeknown to us, she had been catching the bus and the only reason she had managed to get off was because the drivers knew her and her stop.”

Tests confirmed the family’s fears.

However, in less than a year, Pam’s condition has deteriorated to such a level that she requires constant care as she can no longer cook or care for herself – with her children facing no realistic alternative than to take on that role.

“Without my sister I don’t know what I’d have done, as we don’t have an unlimited pile of money. Where we live, the cheapest care home is about £2,000-a-week and while mum lives in a former council house, she’s still over the limit to get free support.

“For myself, I still have bills to pay so while my employer has been incredibly understanding, I have a responsible job and I can’t just walk away.

“For mum, sadly this is a slow death. I’d take a leave of absence if I knew this was her last six months, but we don’t have a crystal ball – but it is nigh on impossible to balance a full-time career with being a carer.”

It is a belief mirrored throughout the UK’s estimated four million carents,

Carents surveyed over 1000 members and found that:

• Over a fifth (21 per cent) of adult carers retired early
• 22 per cent switched to less demanding or more flexible roles
• More than a quarter (27 per cent) reduced their working hours

“Our figures show the staggering scale in which adults are having their careers derailed due to the demands of their caring duties,” said Dr Jackie Gray, founder of Carents.

“It shouldn’t and doesn’t have to be this way, and it is vital that there is more support provided to carents – for them to care alongside their career, rather than in place of it.

“And work isn’t just about pay. It provides structure, social interaction and mental stimulation and many carents don’t appreciate the long-term impact quitting work will have on their wellbeing.

And further research shows that it isn’t just carents who suffer due to altering their career.

A separate survey of 500 UK employers found that 44 per cent of bosses believed that the decision from staff to retire early had a negative effect on their organisation, while 53% said that their staff who moved told them they regretted doing so.

“Typically, these staff are middle-aged and the vast experience and skills they’ve amassed simply can’t be replaced overnight,” added Dr Gray.

“And the sad reality is that once someone in their 50s or 60s leaves work, they rarely return.

“But that is fuelling a massive brain-drain, with highly skilled and capable staff exiting the workforce years if not decades too soon.”

The biggest caring cohort in Britain are carents (57% of all carers), and with a rapidly aging population, that figure is set to soar in the coming years.

And for many, organisations such as Carents are a lifeline.

Launched by Dr Gray based on her insights as a GP, Public Health Doctor, and lived experience, it provides a ‘one stop shop’ with free guidance and support to help keep their parents safe and well.

For Alan, he felt the help available via Carents was “vital” for anybody in the same boat.

For more information, visit www.carents.co.uk